My Guide To Life And Beyond: #3 Bullying

I met a boy today. A small, lonely home-schooled kid with a heart of blazing fire, this boy told me he was dropping out of his first year at a normal school. He told me he was getting punched and school because he was different, and he flung words at me; ‘fat’, ‘fucking cocksucker’. This boy is in his first year at a normal school, he is in year five. I sat there dumbstruck. He says he punches them back, but he doesn’t want to go anymore and his mum is fine with this, claiming the school fees are too high anyway.

So I said to him; ‘I was bullied once’. Then his ears perked up.  I said, ‘yeah, I was bullied once. And all you gotta do is keep your chin up. Write down everything you feel in a big book. In there, you can draw, you can use harsh red pen, you can swear, you can tear and you can burn the corners. Please write down your feelings, don’t punch them back. Punching them back gives them satisfaction and the thing they want the most is a response. When you write down what you feel, you can throw that dreaded book into the bowels of your wardrobe and then when you’re older and successful, you unearth it and re-read all your hardships. Then you think to yourself, “look how far I’ve come.”’

I crouched down to him and he lowered his eyes and stood closer. ‘But I’m so lonely,’ he whispered. ‘I have no friends.’

I said, ‘I understand that too. And that’s when you read. You read glorious books, sad books, fantasy books and silly books. That’s how you find friends, you find other people who like reading and then you read together.”

He shuffled around and toed the dirt a little.

‘If all else fails,’ I smiled, ‘I’ll be your friend.’


My Guide to Life and Beyond- Don’t Panic.






IN the very fine words of Douglas Adams, ‘Don’t Panic’.

It’s really not worth it, when there are many things to consider. In the grand scheme of things, there are plenty of other things to worry about and there are plenty of alternatives to your worrying. If you feel that you must panic, then do so, but don’t let if get out of hand. Calm, control and composure, then walk with conviction. Use your moments of panic attack sparingly, because we all know that these moments of manic panic are fairly inevitable. Moreover, everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

My Guide To Life and Beyond; The Flirty First Dates

#1. When on a first date with a guy, don’t remain stagnant. Always keep moving, this keeps air in the conversation.

Have a coffee, but on the run, because once you’ve sat down and sipped your coffee, you want to drink it before it gets too cold, which gives you perhaps a 10 minute window to sit and chat. Once you’ve sat, you’re left fiddling with the sugar or wondering whether to order another.

Lunch is always a good option, but don’t recommend a fast -food chain, because remember you’d like to make a good impression, one of class and mystery.

Furthermore, if you keep moving, you can investigate, troll and be curious at things together, so that if there is any air in the conversation, it’s not awkward, it’s just thinking silence. When there is something for both parties to do, there will always be an edge, a giggly laughter.




There are thousands upon thousands of pieces of advice I can share on the blog. Many of these have been repeated countless times and I feel like I shouldn’t be the tenth person to tell you these. But these rules, written by Kurt Vonnegut held real value for me and I hope they turn out to be just as valuable to you.

  1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
  2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
  3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
  4. Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.
  5. Start as close to the end as possible.
  6. Be a sadist. No matter sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order…

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So I walked into the haze…

So I walked into the haze, and a million dirty waves. Now, I see you lying there, like a lilo, losing air.
Black rocks and shoreline surf. Still that summer, I cannot bear.
And I wipe the sand from my eyes, the Spanish Sahara, the place that you’d wanna, leave the horror here.

Forget the horror here, leave it all down here.
It’s future rust and it’s future dust.

Now the waves, they drag you down.
Carry you to broken ground.
Though I find you in the sand, wipe you clean with dirty hands.
So goddamn this boiling space, the Spanish Sahara, the place that you’d wanna leave the horror there.

I’m the fury in your head, I’m the ghost in the back of your head.
Choir of furies in your head. Choir of furies in your bed.

The Foals, Spanish Sahara 

Flirtations with Gelato



When working at a local gelateria, I found myself using the colder months to devise intricate webs of advertisement to verbally flower my customers in, to draw them in, to appeal to their senses- of time, of memory, of taste and of personality. Here’s what I came up with:

Vanilla– an age old favourite. Nothing less than greeting with a familiar, comforting relative, the creaminess of vanilla warms the palate and soothes the soul.

Rum and Raisin– Christmas dinners with the family, a place where Grandma would pour an extra nip of brandy into the Christmas pud and set the alcohol alight with a flame that warmed the hearts of all present.

Lime– is like a high-five. A cheery punch of refreshing sweetness to counter balance any dark chocolate.

Lemon– is like a slap across the face. Refreshing and cleansing, the lemon clears the sinuses and begs for more.

Chocolate Sorbet– is like walking through a dark alley at night. There’s a hint of danger, it keeps you on edge with a punch of dark chocolate, but you feel safe in chocolate’s embrace.

Blood Orange– is like dining alfresco on a summer’s evening with friends, a warm zephyr caresses bare shoulders and kisses longs skirts that dance around ankles. Tastes like a refreshing burst of orange sherbet.

Crème Caramel– can be likened to a warm embrace by the fire with loved one. Sweet and mellow, it soothes your weary legs.

Mango-is like a ray of sunshine.

Green Apple– is like a lolly, a trip back to childhood.

Strawberry– is like running barefoot through the long, soft grass of a meadow of daisies. (NB: this is not clover season, as clover season means bees and bees sting. Strawberry does not sting).

Chocolate-is like meeting an old friend, with a firm handshake. Not a wet-lettucy handshake, not one that can be likened to a weaker specimen of a man, nor the handshake of the dominant businessman. No, this handshake is familiar and warm. In fact, chocolate places it’s other hand on top of yours and welcomes you home.

Coffee- is like a ride home in a taxi after being away on holidays for so long. Familiar and creamy, coffee embraces you in a gourmet delight, both wholesome and comforting.

Hazlenut– is like Ferrero Rocher™, an elegant yet nutty flavour not dissimilar to sitting with a mystery woman, who shrouds herself in a haze of smoke, puffing from between scarlet lips. She wears a little black dress and models a black-wide brimmed hat that shades her eyes and hazelnut is her flavour of choice.